To The Mom of All Boys (or Girls)

This post has been on my heart for a long time. I want to share my own experiences with postpartum depression, of peoples comments regarding the gender of my children. Also, how I grew to recognize the truth in my heart and the difference between my honest feelings and those that become present in the false pretenses of postpartum hormone changes and the challenges that come with a newborn. My goal is to encourage other moms of all boys, or all girls, and any mom who had a picture of what she thought her family would look like in the future and how to handle when that can look differently than expected.

If I had a nickel every time someone asked me, “So are you going to try for a girl next?” I’d be able to send Mister and I on a cruise. I know people are making conversation and they don’t think of how truly awkward that statement is. I often think of a couple of friends with all girls and folks comment and say, “awww, poor Daddy, he’s stuck with all girls.” How do you think that makes those children feel? On a recent walk, I had a lady slow her pace to peek into my stroller to verify the gender of the rider. She looked at me and said “uh, you have four boys, I’m so sorry.” I know it isn’t intentional, peoples opinions shouldn’t matter to me. I am a firm advocate that we cant be too sensitive but really, think about what is being said. I have several other stories of really hurtful things that random people and some I know, have said to me over the years. I’ll spare you those exact details, but you get my point. After a couple of years I have become comfortable with the fact that I probably wont have a daughter. That doesnt mean these comments are welcomed. It typically bothers me more for my children and what feelings those comments could bring up.

I always envisioned myself with a little girl. When I first has Mr4 I felt incredible guilt for mourning that piece of my plan for my life. Much of that was my postpartum hormones surging. I went and spoke with my midwife about those feelings and worked through it a bit but as you can read through this article sometimes those feelings rear their ugly head.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. –Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

The Lord doesn’t promise to give us what we think we initially want, he promises to provide what we need. Contentment doesn’t come naturally. We are naturally discontent. This is why we have to rely on God to direct us and show us what we need. When we were expecting each of our children, aside from Mr3, we kept their gender a surprise. When people would ask me what we were having I would say “God knows what our family needs”. I had a hard time taking my own advice but am finally at a place where I can trust it now. I truly wasn’t ‘trying for a girl’. Yes, it crossed my mind that it would be a fun change from the creatures whom I had mothered up until that point but I was never having a baby to birth a specific gendered child.

This post is a little all over the place so if you are still reading and following along, thank you! My point in writing this is a couple of things:

-Know that people don’t mean to be as rude as they are when they make comments about the gender of your children.

– Be aware that if you have made those comments that they may be falling on tender ears and hearts and the middle of Target is not the place for you to share your false sympathies to a mom of all boys or girls.

-If you are a mom of all boys or all girls know that the Lord knows what he is doing and your family, complete or not, is exactly how HE planned it to be.

-If you feel guilt or shame for sadness for those feelings, especially in those early months with a newborn, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM. I urge you to go talk to someone, a friend, a counselor, your doctor or midwife. Just go talk it out and process those feelings. There are professionals who are trained in how to help you with these emotions. When I first called my midwife and said I needed to talk to someone I was very fortunate that they booked me an appointment that day. Postpartum mood changes are not something to just shrug off. If you need help reach out for it and know that YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM.

-The Lord has tasked you with raising the children our future needs. I pray daily to raise men, not boys, who will be independent Godly leaders who will do things large and small in service to their families, the world and the Lord.

Here are some things I like to say when those negative comments are heard :

“Dont be sorry for me, I am blessed!”

“Yes my hands are full, but so is my heart!”

“We have never tried for any type of child except a healthy one”

“Did you ‘get’ what you were ‘trying’ for?” Make sure to use air quotes if the situation allows.

“No, we aren’t trying for a girl.” Sometimes you just have to be really direct.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. -Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

I want to wish you a very Happy Mothers Day. I know that during this quarantine and all around strange time for us all, Mother’s Day may not look the same as it has in years past. Talk ahead of time with you family and make a plan for the day. If that means breakfast in bed, ask for it!If that means going for a family walk an an ice cream ask for it! If that means asking Daddy to take everyone for a drive so you can have the house to yourself for a couple of hours, ask for it! Husbands and children are very likely challenged with how to honor you so dont feel bad about specifically asking for what you want. Enjoy and celebrate the wonderful mom you are!